SearchYou Had an Even Worse Day…
Back in September, I wrote a column about my struggles with depression, what may be causing it, and the various ways I cope.
Those were some good times.
Since the end of November, I’ve experienced worse depression than I used to. Unlike in past times, my foul moods last several days, make me tired, make me cry, and take away my motivation to do the things I usually do, for either work or pleasure.
What’s even worse than having suicidal ideation, like I do during my spells, is being largely unable to discuss it. Schools, employers, and most social media equate threatening one’s own life with threatening another’s life, as a violation of their “rules” or “terms of service.” My family subscribes to the (pretty common) belief that suicide is “selfish” and “cowardly.”
But isn’t it much more selfish to demand that someone else keep going through hell for your amusement? And if suicide were cowardly, I would have committed it long ago. Whenever I considered it before, I pulled myself back, because I got a feeling that there was still something worth living for, usually unfulfilled goals.
There has been another disturbing development when I go through these spells, although I’ve advanced to the point where I’d never act on it. I think of people who have wronged me, especially in the last three years, and make snuff films in my mind where I work for a prison and they receive the death penalty from me.
Some of the things I described sound very silly when I’m not in these spells. Indeed, these feelings come from a collection of different things that make me unhappy, some of which (like California’s reputation for restricting citizens’ diets in the name of curbing obesity) would be laughable on their own. But my normal self and my depressed self are like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and the important thing is that these ailments are very compelling to me while in Hyde mode.
Much of the current debate surrounding mental illness is from the viewpoint of health professionals who are not mentally afflicted themselves. Far from difficult mental exercises, what has helped me has mainly been to actually be in enjoyable situations. Therefore, I’ve started to make the most of my current life by doing more of the pastimes I enjoy. Hopefully, they will lead me toward recovery, or at least a return to the milder depression I had before.